The Travellers

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2007-04-04 08:54:04

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THE space opera

Here at The Travellers HQ, we don't always just destroy. Some times we build, THEN destroy. Its a subtle process.

The Travellers would like to point out to all readers that on several occasions, we do claim to have,
1. Involved ourselves in highy important or controvertial points in time, and
2. always been superior to everyone else.
The reasons that we say these things is because they are true.

Established in 3425 CE on Zxrock IX, the High Time Directive was designed to send soldiers or historians (occasionally very gung-ho historians who filled both roles) backwards or forwards in time. There were many reasons for this, most of which are forgotten, and the rest probably aren't true.

There were three separate branches of the organisation: The Time Police, who ensured that time followed the path it was supposed to, the Time Sifters, who ensured that it did not, and the Historix, who just watched then told everyone who they were and why they were so great.

Being able to travel through time was often confusing as one job was frequently countered fifty years later and another was sent back to stop the original order taking place. This caused many people to become so bored and confused that they just went off and pissed about with time how they like. These time vigilantes are constantly hunted by the Time Police and are well-known meddlers, and because of their gung-ho and immoral way of dealing with time they are often employed by the Time Sifters. (Mainly to piss off the Time Police.)

One such group of time vigilantes are the frankly infamous 'Terrible Two', currently known under the code-names [Mitsuharu] and [Little Victories], who have teamed up with [Random Pavarotti Disease]; this third member should be considered to be armed and potentially mildly hazardous and/or annoying. Below is the collected tales of their 'adventures', which are usually bloody and violent. These are only to be used by someone with Omega Primus 126 advance clearance and only for analysis to further the chance of their capture.

Related links to suspects:
Travellers - Matt
Travellers - Joshua
Travellers - Jez

Related links to other data files:

Statement - PLEASE READ!!!

In Real Time Order - Now the only order you can read the Travellers in, because we're lazy and couldn't be arsed to edit all four. So ha. Yes, wallow in that corner and DIE!

The Science of Super-Light Travel - Some fluff for the very scientific.

Essay on Time and the Human Notion of It - Some deep beard-stroking for the philosophical amongst us. Does not contain pictures.

News

April 4^th - I introduce a new sub-series to the travellers, running along a similar line, looking at major historcal events in a new light, often with a moral, the latest, and first, is Interlude #1
PS My internet seems to be working now, but tentacles crossed, right? - M

April 1^st - Introducing the lazy man's ultimate piece - A Very Short Piece. Enjoy. - Jez

March 13^th - Steve has finally *ahem* fallen into a black hole and will not be writing for us anymore (or doing much else I imagine, him now being a small ball of hyper-condensed particle stuff). Steve, we salute you wherever you are. You are the one clone who I almost feel guilty about lining my pockets from your life insurance. Almost. - Joshua

March 10^th - new peice, the countdown by me! - Matt

March 8^th - It seems my internet is not going to be working any time soon, (this is one of my brief times it is working) I promise to do much work when the damn wires and cogs and lights all connect properly again. -Matt

March 4^th - After a long break due to watching a lot of TV, I've finally gathered several of the many ideas I've had and put them into a new piece, the first in a series. It's episodic, so I don't know what'll happen next; basically, whenever I write a piece I'll find a way to connect it with the previous one. Anyway, here's the new piece: 852-54092 - The Jungles of Tafwocum - TOKSASAJ (The One Known Simply And Sinisterly As Jez)

January 21^st - After a long period of absence, due to my computer refusing to remain on the internet for more than two minutes, and then kicking me off, I have returned. I intend to put some travellers up either tonight or tomorrow night. Maybe later if I'm hampered with GCSE revision. Yes, I am revising. I'm taking this test thing real serious. :P - Matt

Featured Piece;

852-54092 - The Jungles of Tafwocum by [Random Pavarotti Disease]

"Let's roll..." said Steve. He hefted the weapon onto his shoulder, took careful aim and shot himself in the shoulder.
"Amateur." said Jez, throwing one of his special anti-wombat grenades into the midst of the approaching platoon. Many of them suddenly collapsed, writhing around in pain as their eyes melted and their internal (and external...) organs suddenly turned into Marmite™. Matt and Josh stood side by side, in the face of the approaching torrent of furry death. Matt smiled.
"Say hello to my massive massive friend," he said.
"Hello, massive massive friend," came a small voice from Steve, slumped in the corner.
"I wasn't talking to you!" snapped Matt irritably, and blew the hell out of the approaching wombat platoon.

And the polls of the week are;

2421) On a scale of 1-10, how much do we all love midori for designing our new banner? (Administrator: [Little Victories])

Number of voters: 6
* a) 1 - If only I could tear you in twain with my bare hands
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* b) 2
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* c) 3
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* d) 4
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* e) 5 - If only I could care about your existence
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* f) 6
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* g) 7
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* h) 8
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* i) 9
Number of votes: 3 (50%) Voters: [Lucy-Lou], [The all powerful Midori], [sky fox]

* j) 10 - If only I could ravish you in the dark, away from prying eyes and the morals of the outside world
Number of votes: 3 (50%) Voters: [Little Victories], [Angels Of San-Angelus], [Random Pavarotti Disease]

2422) "Here's your new gadget, Bond" "Ingenious, Q; its a bomb but its also -" (Administrator: [Little Victories])

Number of voters: 7
* a) A cucumber
Number of votes: 1 (14%) Voters: [Lucy-Lou]

* b) A tree
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* c) A horse
Number of votes: 0 (0%)

* d) A Unicycle
Number of votes: 1 (14%) Voters: [sky fox]

* e) A croissant
Number of votes: 1 (14%) Voters: [Angels Of San-Angelus]

* f) A bomb
Number of votes: 3 (43%) Voters: [Random Pavarotti Disease], [Mitsuharu], [tuff ghost]

* g) A ravine
Number of votes: 1 (14%) Voters: [Little Victories]

Poll Results;

The travellers currency is hereby declared thus; seven Sexpenny pieces fit into the one Sleaze note. The units are being printed now on a knocked off Forge-A-Matic 5000 in the Engineering Quarters (the Engineering Quarters being the five metres or so radius around Jez's hammock). Note the actual worth of the currency is subject to change as even I won't remember it by tomorrow.

And also blaming the E numbers in Haribo's starmix does not get you out of trouble with the intergalactic space courts when you're on charges with murder to the 1⁷ degree. Although a large amount of you decided to let me take the fall. Bastards.

It's the Fun Tidbit Section! Today's Question Is;

Your favourite verb is;

Josh; Liquify. E.g. Hello Chum. You seem to be under the delusion that threatening me will make me inclined to give you money, however, all it seems to be doing is make me want liquify you into a paste with my fists. Sorry.

Matt; Travel. Travel, travellers? get it? Heh.

Jez; Do. Can be used to replace almost any other verb, and therefore are perfect for lazy men *cough*. Ironically, verbs are doing words... How ironic.

It's hard to make a living when everyone wants you dead. Ironically, the best living is in death. Thanks, Steve

2006-04-07 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: lol, well if i don't ote for myself who else is gonna vote for me!! OH and dudes, in case any of you do vote for me, please, make sure it's not out of sympathy, i can take it! I'm a man! *cries*

2006-04-08 [Little Victories]: sorry steve I just thought it was a bit criminal that matt (who is a founding traveller, lest we forget) didn't have any votes, I value your work as high as everybody elses

2006-04-08 [Mitsuharu]: Founder! Woot

2006-04-08 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: If you don't want votes out of sympathy, why say anything?

2006-04-08 [Little Victories]: exactly lol

2006-04-11 [Little Victories]: Steve to avoid confusion, I'm gonna make a seperate list for your Jest stories, cos its a bit weird seeing a jest story in the middle of all the Jazz events

2006-04-11 [Mitsuharu]: could we please keep this in the forum?

2006-04-13 [Little Victories]: no MUHAHAHAHAH God I love blatant defiance

2006-04-14 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: yeah, me too!

2006-04-14 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LOVE BLATANT DEFIANCE!

2006-04-14 [Little Victories]: nobody was going to make you love it, even though by blatantly defying the trend, you love blatant defiance! hah I win

2006-04-14 [Little Victories]: I took the pre tag of your warning matt cos it was fookin up the format, I've changed it to italics. Hope you don't mind, if you have a problem with it by all means change it back, I just think it looks better this way.

2006-04-14 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: No, you don't win. It just proves that paradoxes are my speciality. So ha.

2006-04-14 [Little Victories]: I do win, you just fail to recognise my superiorty, so ha. hahahahah.

2006-04-14 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: I can't be bothered any more.

2006-04-15 [Little Victories]: I win then. Life is so easy for me

2006-04-17 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Yeah, he's right Jez, even i understood what he said.... your losing your touch! Are you feeling okay? I'd see a doctor!

2006-04-17 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Go ahead. Nobody's stopping you.

2006-04-17 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: I already see a doctor, and a therapist, and a psychiatrist! :D

2006-04-17 [Little Victories]: how about an exorcist? an existentialist? A GARNICOLOGIST! lol ten points to whoever can tell me what that means btw, thats the quiz of the week

2006-04-18 [Mitsuharu]: GYNECOLOGIST, which sounds the same, but is spelt differently, means health care for women. Which is apropriate. lmao

2006-04-18 [Little Victories]: close but I needed something more specific. five points to matty. If you said health care and ladies issues, then you would've been closer

2006-04-19 [Mitsuharu]: :P

2006-04-20 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: If you knew what one was, then why did you need to ask?!?

2006-04-20 [Little Victories]: it was the quiz of the week. duh.

2006-04-21 [Mitsuharu]: yeah, duh.

2006-04-21 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Whatever.

2006-04-21 [Little Victories]: lol I WIN! ONE TO NOTHIN'!

2006-04-21 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: No, because Matty has 5 points.

2006-04-21 [Mitsuharu]: Hey, yeah! 5 to nothin'!

2006-04-21 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: No, 5 to 1 to nothin'!

2006-04-21 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Wait, that's not good...

2006-04-21 [Little Victories]: hey pal, I give out the zekkin points. And as such, I am invincible. So hah

2006-04-21 [Little Victories]: who the hell has been crediting my work to jez? the zekker will pay with his life! It took me zekking ages to think of the eurasia one and someone has credited it to Jez!!!

2006-04-22 [Mitsuharu]: It was..... Steve?

2006-04-22 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: It wasn't me.

2006-04-22 [Mitsuharu]: ...

2006-04-22 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Was it you?

2006-04-22 [Mitsuharu]: ... no.

2006-04-22 [Little Victories]: LIES!!! LIES!!! TERRIBLE LIES!!!!!! *whistles calmly and walks away*

2006-04-22 [Little Victories]: *walks back* by the way you will all be killed in your sleep tonight. Please use the remaining time you have left to put your affairs in order. Thank you.

2006-04-22 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Sod it, I'll spend the time I have left watching TV.

2006-04-23 [Mitsuharu]: HEY! Its tommorow! and I'm alive! ALIVE!!! *cackles manically. Stops abruptly.*

2006-05-01 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Hmm, it seems there isn't a god afterall! Ho Hum.

2006-05-02 [Little Victories]: how did you arrive at that conclusion?

2006-05-02 [Mitsuharu]: I survived. Therefore the universe has no sense of justice. At all. So God's Zekked.

2006-05-02 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: *dances naked*

2006-05-02 [Little Victories]: how can god be xekked if he doesn't exist? steve.... please cover your genitals.... all six of them..... I think I'd better lay off the pills I'm seeing shit

2006-05-02 [Mitsuharu]: 1. zekked. 2.I meant that he cant exist.

2006-05-03 [Little Victories]: 1. I meant to put xekked cos I like spelling it that way. Why confine ourselves to one spelling? 2. Fair enough.

2006-05-03 [Mitsuharu]: don't try and validade your mistakes with this bull. You screwed up. Deal with it.

2006-05-03 [Little Victories]: but I didn't screw up, like I said before. I. Meant. To. Spell. It. That. Way. Deal with that.

2006-05-04 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: No Josh, your not seeing things, i do have six cocks and 12 balls, it's very handy!

2006-05-05 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Now then, on to the affair of the bum sleeping in my bed! Now then, i think the best course of action woul-.... oh, that's... Matt, nevermind then!

2006-05-05 [Mitsuharu]: for this, you die. *waves rapier*

2006-05-05 [Little Victories]: Ha ha! *flourishes mackerel* crap I left my sword in my commisar outfit wait a sec *a blue flash, and all thats left is josh's clothes in a heap on the floor. Five seconds later, another blue flash heralds his re-entrance, mackerel covering genitalia.* I forget my clothes *he retrieves the garments with his spare hand and, with another flash, he disappears again*

2006-05-06 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: *Fly's away*

2006-05-06 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: In reference to the poll about whether we should do 1 big story or many little ones, maybe we could have some small ones which build up to a big one. Just a suggestion.

2006-05-07 [Little Victories]: thats certainly somethin I'd consider

2006-05-07 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Hmmm, i don't get it?? I know i'm slow, but just try and explain it to me best as ya can!

2006-05-08 [Little Victories]: what the fuck is a complimentation? lmao its compilation steve

2006-05-09 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Be quiet you!

2006-05-09 [Little Victories]: well, as it says in the handy little news pile, I'm easing off writing comedy for now, and trying to concentrate on songs and music and *whispers* poems. How long I'll be gone I can't say, but I do know that one day I will return. Josh out.

2006-05-09 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Does this mean i get the comfy bed??

2006-05-09 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: No, it's mine.

2006-05-09 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: *Chlorophorms Jez, climbs into bed and infests it with Steve fleas, then sicks up over it* Mine now!

2006-05-09 [Mitsuharu]: *Mega-clean Mk IV cleans bed.* No-one. Touches. The. Bed.

2006-05-10 [Little Victories]: Yeah matt is keepin it clean for me

2006-05-10 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Fair enough. I'll get back to my hammock.

2006-05-10 [Mitsuharu]: *sets up an irate war robot, who will kill anyone but Josh, should they go on his bed.*

2006-05-10 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: *Humps robot*

2006-05-10 [Mitsuharu]: *robot screams* Don't mess, Steve

2006-05-17 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: *slaps the robot, which turns out to be just C3-PO from Star Wars, possibly the gayest thing ever contructed, Steve proceeds to clean the floor with it.... literally*

2006-05-24 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: I don't believe it.... it generally feels like The Travellers is dying.... no one's written a piece in a week, and not a single comment has been made!

2006-05-24 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: I have exams in less than 2 weeks. I'm kinda busy.

2006-05-24 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: And this is what the Travellers was like before you and me. There wasn't a new piece every week. We had a bit of a flurry of writing, and now we're settling down.

2006-05-24 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Oh... well i've never experienced the slow bit before, it's disturbingly quiet!

2006-05-24 [kzone]: im on

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: Yeah. WE have gone through a dry patch, but it'll be the birthday soon, and the writing will proboly start up again.

2006-05-24 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: I certainatley hope so!

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: I would say you spelt that wrong but:

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: 1. I can't spell it.

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: and 2. I spelt proboly like that.

2006-05-24 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Certainatley is spelled right ya idiot!

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: yeah, sure steve. Unless its a new word... Do you mean Certainly?

2006-05-24 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: No... i mean Certainatley, and yes it is a new word, and as i said before, Certainatley is spelled correct, because it was!

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: what does this new word mean?

2006-05-24 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: It's a word used to describe somebody who doesn't know how to spell Certainly.

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: so, when you said 'I certainatley hope so!' what you meant was ' I somebody who doesn't know how to spell Certainly hope so! ' that right?

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: can you admit that maybe you screwed up there? I'm not judging, I spell stuff wrong all the time!

2006-05-24 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: I didn't screw up. Steve did.

2006-05-24 [Mitsuharu]: I was talking to steve, Jez,

2006-05-24 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Well, I was the one who said "It's a word used to describe somebody who doesn't know how to spell Certainly", in case you hadn't realised.

2006-05-24 [The all powerful Midori]: just out of curiousity is "certainately" pronounced the same way as "certainly" ?

2006-05-25 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: ....Yes, it is.

2006-05-25 [Mitsuharu]: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!! Steve, do you admit you screwed up? And Jez, the first comment was to you, the second was to Steve, Okay?

2006-05-25 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: I screwed nothing up... go to hell!

2006-06-08 [Little Victories]: got rid of the polls; there were too many

2006-06-08 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Very good.

2006-06-09 [Little Victories]: shut your filthy german mouth. We're gonna righteously annihilate you in the world cup

2006-06-09 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Damn right!

2006-06-09 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: I'm sorry, I don't quite catch your meaning.

2006-06-09 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: We. Are. Going. To. Kick. Your. Ass. In. The. World. Cup. You. German. TWAT!

2006-06-09 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Why are you all calling me German?

2006-06-09 [Little Victories]: because, dear jez, you said something in german in the message you've now so slyly changed to very good lol we are familiar with the edit button

2006-06-09 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Ah, but thanks to that powerful button, you have no proof.

2006-06-09 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: But we do, i screenshotted it.... HA!

2006-06-09 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Prove it.

2006-06-09 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: ..........I Hate you!

2006-06-09 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: The feeling is mutual.

2006-06-09 [Mitsuharu]: It's nice when the children all get along.

2006-06-09 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: Indeed it is.

2006-06-09 [Little Victories]: its true that I have no proof that you changed it but i don't care to be honest. I know what I know, and thats good enough for me.

2006-06-10 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Yeah, i know what i don't know, and that's good enough for me to........ doesn't quite seem as impressive as Josh's little speech but i tried my best!!!

2006-06-10 [Little Victories]: well done steve. Would you like a biscuit? *offers pack*

2006-06-10 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Why yes i would! Thanks Josh! *takes a biscuit, and puts it up his nose*

2006-06-10 [Little Victories]: ahh I've seen that done before. Saving it for later right?

2006-06-10 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Right! By the way, i've just done Barry Scott, Champion Of Mankind!

2006-06-12 [Little Victories]: ok I do not condone cilit bang tie ins. This upsets me greatly.

2006-06-13 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Well screw you lol! Barry Scott is my god damn hero!

2006-06-13 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: That's why you're considered the insane one (well, more insane).

2006-06-13 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: *Cries, then gouges Jez's eyes out with a screwdriver, then cradles them in his hand* My Precious...'s!

2006-06-13 [Little Victories]: how my hand itches to banish you from this land ... I'll just go hit somebody defenceless, innocent and weak to rid me of my rage .... *leaves to crew quarters. Screaming soon ensues*

2006-06-13 [Little Victories]: *comes out covered in chunks of what looks and smells like warm mince*

2006-06-13 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Mmm, Mince! *eats some off of Josh's face*

2006-06-13 [Little Victories]: you do realise that was some of matts arm?

2006-06-13 [Random Pavarotti Disease]: You describe Matt as defenceless, innocent and weak?

2006-06-14 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Realise? I woukdn't of eatin it if i hadn't of known!

2006-06-14 [Mitsuharu]: *Matt enters, with both arms.* ANyone seen my arm? it's missing from my collection of jarred defenceless, innocent and weak people's limbs.

2006-06-14 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: No, that was definatlye your arm Matt! I can tase the rum in the blood!

2006-06-15 [Mitsuharu]: You ate my prize pirate's arm!?!

2006-06-15 [Little Victories]: *cleans blood from face* I say we toss him into the next blackhole and be done with it

2006-06-15 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Probably....

2006-06-15 [Mitsuharu]: Dude, you need my thumb print to open the airlock and..... what are you doing with that butchers knife?

2006-06-15 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: .....Nothing... *Eats Knife* What Knife??

2006-06-15 [Mitsuharu]: *quizical expression* riiiight

2006-06-15 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: By the way, i hate to break it to you but the gory death thing has already been done......

2006-06-15 [Little Victories]: we're not doing that you raw end

2006-06-15 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: Then why is the cocking poll up?

2006-06-15 [Little Victories]: we didn't use that episode in the end

2006-06-18 [Little Victories]: stop spamming the bloody news column, muthazekkers

2006-06-19 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: hehehehe

2006-07-06 [Angels Of San-Angelus]: well.... nothing has happened here in a while... i blame society!